the loss: episode 1

12 July 2010

I were to have my check-up today. Based on the last check-up, it is approximately 11 weeks already. During my last check-up, which is about 1 month back, the precious little one was only 13mm.. So itsy bitsy tiny...I was eager to know how big have it grew within the last 1 month..

As my name were called, I, hubby and little Adam (my nephew) walked into the consultation room with excitement. The doc greet me warmly. She is so nice and friendly as though i've meet her before. I told her that I'm coming for pregnancy check-up...The conversation begin...

Doc : Bile last period? Maksudnye the first day of the last period..

Me  : 12 until 20 April.

Doc : Ok dik, kalau tengok kat sini, dah 12 minggu. Means dah 3 bulan. Ni yang first ke?

Me  : Aah, yang sulung.

Doc : Sebelum ni pernah gugur?

Me  : Belum.

Doc : Ok, kite scan dulu.

So, I went to the chamber just next to the consultation room and lay down on the sort-of-like-bed with the scanning machine next to it. Then, the doc start the scanning procedure.

Doc : Adik, u pernah demam tak?

Me  : Pernah, mase awal-awal pregnant, before check-up mase 7th week.

Doc : Ape yang saya tengok di sini, kandungan adik ni kecil ye, 21.4mm. Kalau kite tengok kat sini saiz die baru 8 minggu. Sepatutnya dah 11-12 minggu. Nampak macam die dah stop grow mase minggu ke-8.

Me  : .......... (blur)

Doc : And saya perhatikan takde denyut jantung. Adik faham tak ape maksud saye..

Me  : (still with the blurry face)

Doc : Ok, kite tengok sama-sama ye. (pulling the machine towards me so that I can have a clearer view and pointing at the screen while explaining to me). Kalau tengok di sini, ini rahim ye. Dan ini kantung. Sekarang kite fokus dekat yang putih dekat tengah ni, ini janin. Kalau adik tengok, yang besar ni, kepala die. And ni badan die. Yang jalur putih ni, tulang belakang die. And kite nampak also kaki and tangan die. Tapi adik tengok ye, takde sebarang tanda degup jantung. Sepatutnye kite dah dapat kesan degup jantung or kalau lucky, kite boleh nampak jari die bergerak. Tapi saya tak nampak pun. You get what I mean kan adik. Saya presume, janin ni tak jadi lah. Boleh kata gugur lah. You faham eh?..

Me  : (Sekadar mengangguk..)

The doctor went back to the consultation room. I heard hubby asking a few question, but my mind are everywhere and I couldn't gather every piece of it..

Doc : Ade ape-ape nak tanye, boleh tanye..

Me  : (thinking mode..trying to hold the tears..)

Doc : Kalau nak tanye kenapa or macam mana jadi, Wallahua'alam. Yang tu kuasa Tuhan. By the way, You masih muda. Bukan rezeki you this time. Allah lagi tahu. Mungkin kite belum bersedia lagi. You baru 25 tahun. Banyak lagi masa. Sabar ye dik. Allah tahu ape yang terbaik untuk kite.

Doc : Ade pernah bleeding tak?

Me  : So far takde. Sakit pun takde. Just kadang-kadang je rase sakit sikit kat bawah adomen ni.

Hubby : Tapi die still pening-pening lagi.

Doc : Ok. Mase mule-mule pregnant ade alah ape-ape tak?

Me  : Takde. Cume tak lalu makan je.

Doc : Mase scan hari tu dah ade degup jantung kan?

Me  : Tak sure. Sebab mase scan yang minggu ke 7 tu, doc just tunjuk kantung je, takde mention pun pasal heartbeat.

Doc : Macam ni dik, saya buat reference letter, you pergi hospital bawak surat ni, and the doctor there will examine. This is not urgent, so maybe by Monday you should go. Tapi andai kata sementara nak tunggu tu berlaku bleeding, you terus pergi emergency, bawak surat ni. Kalau bleeding sikit-sikit takpe, tapi kalau banyak, you terus pergi. Jangan tunggu-tunggu. Sekarang ni die macam time bomb. Sooner die akan keluar jugak. Consider as gugur la. Faham ye.

Went out of the consultation room. Waiting for my name to be called for payment. I am still holding my tears. As I entered the car, I just could not control the sadness. And I'm bursting out the tears. Little Adam looked at me in confusion.