Monday, July 12, 2010

the loss : episode 2

I could not stop myself from crying. A lot of things come into my mind. Have I done something wrong. It must have been me who have not handle it with care.. I was blaming myself.

Hubby, on the other side is being very protective. He keep on calming me down. he does not ask me to stop crying. But he keep saying all the nice things, give me some motivation, asking me to believe in fate and to be strong.

Little Adam sitting quietly on my lap. He is still looking at me with his curiousity look. Pity him. He does not know anything that happen around him. Sorry little Adam. But I love you so.

After went out of the clinic, we went to search for breakfast. We haven't eat anything yet. I've started to feel hungry. Hubby stop by somewhere. I could not bother of the whereabout. I just leave it to hubby. I'm still in my gloom side of world. (I am so not fair to hubby. Sorry dear, but I just couldn't control the sadness.. I hope you would understand...)..Hubby went for the searching with little Adam. I choose to stay in the car. As both of them walk away, Adam looked back at me with the same curious look.

I called my mom afterwards. Trying to act cool at first. Starting the conversation with usual questions. When mom ask me why am I calling her, all of sudden, I burst into tears again. Could not speak even a single word.

Mom : Ili, kenapa ni? Kenapa awak nangis?
Me    :  (crying...)
Mom : Ili....Kenapa dengan awak? Awak kat mana ni?
Me    : Tadi kite gi check-up...... (I told her everything that happened earlier...)
Mom : Takde rezeki li, nak wat macam mane. Awak mude lagi. Takpe la. Boleh cube lagi.

I know, from the sounds of mom's voice, she is also crying. Sorry mom for giving you hard times.

Back at my in-laws home, I am sort of lost words to speak. I didn't know how to start, where to begin. I am afraid that the tears gonna fall off my cheek again. But my eyes are obviously swollen. Ma is at the kitchen. I went there, having a sip of water. Trying to figure out how to tell her. Suddenly her voice breaks up the silence.

Ma : Macam mana check-up? Doktor cakap apa? Berapa bulan dah?
Me : Patutnye minggu ni da 11 minggu. Tapi doktor scan tadi, die cakap kalau ikut saiz, baru 8 minggu. Pastu takde heartbeat. Doktor kate consider gugur. (I am trying so hard to not let the tears shed..)

Ma does not ask anymore question. After that, I went upstairs. Still couldn't help myself from crying. Yes, I am helpless. My eyes get swollen even more..

I guess that everyone are trying to be extra careful with me after that. They seem to not try asking anything. Afraid that I will shed some more tears perhaps. But i got one question from sweet Qistina...

Tina : Cik Ili, kenapa mata Cik Ili? Kenapa mata Cik Ili macam bengkak kat atas tu?
Me   : Cik Ili sakit mata.
Tina : Cik Ili tipu eh??

I dare not to answer anymore..An 8 years old Tina is very good at talking.. She talks not at her age..Tina sweetie, even if I tell you, you would not understand..

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